Deleted and recovered
My ex-husband and I are in our early 40s and late 30s and have been divorced for almost 3 years now. While he did not want to get divorced, we separated and have been co-parenting our two pre-teens amicably. He lives within 5 blocks of our old home and while we have 50/50 custody, our kids freely bounce between our places and choose how they want to spend holidays. We’ve tried hard to create a sense of stability despite the change in our family situation and have standing ‘tune up’ therapy twice a year to make sure we’re all comfortable with the arrangements.
His recent partner Maria (29F) has been the only one to make past the 6 month mark and prior to this encounter I would say that she makes him happy and is a pretty reasonable lady! She has a very sweet and precocious son (9) that we all adore and generally I thought things were going well.
I invited Maria to bring her son to my place if she would like him to join my kids in private language classes, she accepted and this has been going on for a few weeks now, my kids adore him. Last week she said something to me that was surprising, she asked me when I would be moving my things out so that my ex and her could be able to co-habitat. I was taken aback and confused asking her to clarify “my current home, this home?” And she nonchalantly told me “You don’t need all this space for 3 people. We wouldn’t have space at ex’s current condo.” Her son looked so awful and embarrassed at this point, that I was like “Uhh, this conversation would need to include my ex.”
My kids and I live in a brownstone that my ex and I purchased together 50/50, but that I have been renovating since before the divorce. My ex lives in a nice condo that’s spacious but is still a little bit of a man cave. Later in the evening I got a text message from her son that was pleading for me to forgive his mom, that he’s sorry for his mom and to not tell my ex.
I feel awful, but I think I should let my ex know this conversation occurred and let him handle it. WIBTA if I told my ex-husband my concerns about his GF?
There was apparently an edit added to the 1st post that I wasn’t able to recover where OP shared that she still owned half of the ex’s condo
In the comments:
Before our divorce, we owned both properties outright. Our divorce was very amicable – He INSISTED I keep the brownstone.
After the divorce, I had my lawyer help me transfer the brownstone deed and my ex signed the documents. He just never did that with the condo. I asked him a few times, and the answers always been hand wavy. I’m his ex-wife, not going to continue nagging him on something he’s dragging his feet on.
The awkward conversation happened in person. I shut it down cause her son was there and I could tell understood the situation and felt uncomfortable. He texted me afterwards from his own phone.
He’s a special kid in the best way, very mature and advanced for his age.
The thing is I don’t think it’s been discussed between them at all. I think she may have just assumed?
When we separated, he insisted that I keep house and that I didn’t need to buy him out. The house belonging to me is ironclad, I just got nervous and blurted out that we’d discuss it cause her son was there.
I procrastinated bring up what Maria said and basically told myself assume best intentions/awkward curiosity. My thought process was that it’s my home and she’ll have to cart me outta here on the back of a hearse. I admit I was also nervous about raining on his happiness, and did not want to be perceived as a bitter ex.
The kids had a grand time at camp and a month or so ago later we had family dinner with both sets of grandparents. My ex brought Maria and it started out great, everyone welcomed Maria and her son. Maria was helping me finish up dessert in the kitchen and I was patting myself on the back for the Goop level blended family dynamic when she made an off the cuff comment about how she’d host parties here. Ex came in with the kids, overheard and asked “oh did Lowstakes offer for you to host?” Maria’s son just burst into tears and started apologizing…
It was genuinely one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Long story short, the entire family has learned that Ex had a vasectomy after divorce and is not looking to re-marry anytime soon. Afterwards I talked to him about the previous interaction along with showing him the text messages. They’re no longer together.
I am worried about Maria’s son although I recognize it’s not my place. Unsure what I can do there.
*Edit* Some people asked why I laughed “haha” at the end of my edit that I owned half his condo. It was mainly out of uncomfortable irony. Ex is extremely driven and brilliant in his career but disorganized in life.